Wednesday, June 17, 2009

will he ever get it? probably not.

there are days when i want to be a fuck slut.
like, a serious one. there were days in my early 20's when i lived with a certain blonde roommate where we would hook up endlessly. whoever got home from work first would set up the rendez-vous with a dude and his cousin, a dude and his brother, a dude and his friend, and it would be ON. we had some very seriously fun times playing strip poker around my dining room table and there was always the mad scramble for condoms and clean sheets. the end was a goodbye when everyone was done, never an invitation to spend the night, and then a cigarette shared on the front porch recounting the dicks, the skills, the bodies, and sometimes (depending on cash flow) we would end up in the drivethrough of wendy's with frostys and junior bacon cheeseburgers. i would count these as some of my favorite times in life. if not my all time favorite, then definitely the most unbridled fun.
now i feel like i'm 80 years old. i spot clean my carpet, i do dishes after making tomato soup, i clean the cat box. when i have sex it is with the same person, the same person who always pisses me off somehow but who i love very much and who i know loves me.
will he ever get it? will he ever get how much i teeter on the edge of jumping back into those days of the beauty of anonymous sex, how easy it would be since he is always gone and always crabby? does he understand the power rush that it gave me, the pleasure that can come when you have absolutely no inhibitions because you know you will never see this person again? i don't think he understands. i think he considers it a done deal, that he can do or say or act however he pleases and i will hang in there because that's what kind of girl i am. i'm the good wifey type of girl that wouldn't ever step out or even think about stepping out. well, i'm thinking about it. and i don't think he gets it.

1 comment:

  1. OH Fabs, I remember those days and I promise you I would never ever go back. Love is so many things. It is hurtful, painful, exhilerating, safe, warm, cold, passionate and so much more. When I met Shawn I was 135 lbs and quite a looker, now I am 215 and well not so much and yet he loves me. I love that. Yes he is irritating and tends to be way too laid back about things I think he should be more worked up about but he is mine and no one elses. Don't step out, talk first, I mean really talk. Love you Fabs and you know me and the girls are here to listen and love!